Chapter 1
“You smell so good, Natalee. I love your smell,” he says.
“Carter, don’t make me blush. You know I love it when you look at me, nose in the air, like you’re smelling to see if dinner is ready,” I say with a laugh.
His response to my shyness, like a switch, turns my light-hearted laughter into a moment of silence. Suddenly, a strong pull where gravity only existed between him and me, and his body is the missing link. My body had an agenda, and it was going to meet its objective. To get close. So close we become one. The closer I get, the more I yearn for his connection. I am his portal, and only he fits inside of me. I feel him pacing at the gates , and he looks at me to say with more breath than actual words, “I’m ready to eat.”
“Wait-there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” he continues.
“What now, Carter?” I say like a pouting child being told it’s time to stop playing and come into the house. Sensing the seriousness of his facial expression, now transitioning from seduction to conducting a business meeting, I ask him, “Is everything okay?”
He looks at me almost blankly now at this point and says, “I love you. We’ve always been honest with one another, and this may not be the best timing, but when is it ever?”
I interrupt, sensing anxiety in what will happen next. I continue with a sultry-sounding voice and lean in to say, “Hey, I’m not sure where this is going , but whatever it is, I’m sure we can talk about it later. Now let’s get back to…”
He, for some reason, extends his right arm toward my face to press his index finger on my lips and says, “Natalee, I love you, and I’m ready to get married.” Hearing this set off an immediate deep excitement and heavy desire that washed through my body like a windstorm positioned only over the sea, creating a waterspout for all to marvel at that would instantly dry up when he said these next words, “But you’re not my wife.”
Suddenly, I feel the wind blowing on my face. It’s like a tickle that, as anxiety surrenders, contentment slowly blankets me. The wind moves faster. So fast that if I close my eyes, I almost become that little girl in the backseat of the car with Mom and Dad. So close, I can almost hear their voices. It starts as a whisper in a chorus. Almost like a recitation, the words are steadily repeated. As the volume increases, I can hardly make out the words until, jarringly, the tone becomes a piercing cry. I finally hear it. “It’s coming your way, stop!”
The words hit me like shrapnel, puncturing and scattering like fragments throughout my body. This led to a pain so great it’s as if a weight the size of a truck is sitting on my chest. It’s stifling. It’s suffocating. I’m panting, and I feel it. I can hardly breathe, can hardly move, but my eyes see the lights, and it’s brilliant. It’s Magnificent. It’s the blanket all around me. I try to reason with myself, but words can’t describe what’s happening to me now.
I hear a phone ringing incessantly in the background and realize it’s time to wake up. Wake up, Natalee! I tell myself. Wake up!
I wake up and answer the phone.
“Um, hello”, I say.
“Natalie, what are you doing? hearing Peppermint
“Talking on the phone to you”, I respond.
“Listen, smart mouth. I’m being serious right now. Are you free?”, asks Peppermint
“Well, you asked. Anyway, what is this about? Why do you want to know if I’m free? I respond with simmering confusion.
“Because I’m coming over.”, she says.
“ Oh, that’s great, Pepper. It’d be nice to plan a girls’ trip. Let me know when you want to do that, and we’ll make it happen. Anyway, thanks for checking in. I’m actually just getting up , and I’ve got a lot of things to do today, so… I’ll check in with you in a few days, OK?” I recount now with a mix of sarcasm.
“ You know, you’d better be glad I went to see my therapist this week.”, Peppermint retorts.
“I am. You need it.”
“And you need it too! You’ve been stuck in that high-rise apartment by yourself for months. It’s a wonder how you’re even able to pay for it since you hardly work now. I mean I know your clientele pays you well and sends for you whenever they need a marriage cleanup before the mistress hits primetime, but-um, nowyou’re home. I mean, you were always traveling, making money, or talking about what you wanted to do next with your business. You’d tell me how exciting it was whenever you had another celebrity or CEO reaching out from a referral. You own the game. But that was almost a year ago, and while I may not know what’s in your bank account, I know that this is not sustainable. I’m worried about you, Lee.”, she exclaims.
“Don’t worry about me. You know how I am about money. I have money in savings.”
“For retirement, Natalie. Girl, you’re only thirty-four. That compound interest was not ready for you this year.”
“Listen, you’re my best friend, and there’s not much you don’t know about me, except this. I feel like I lost my anchor. I always knew what I wanted to do with my life. Where I was going. I took for granted who would be there with me.” I say with my throat tightening from the grief stuffed deep in my chest.
Anyway, you can’t relate. You’ve always had family. I mean, your family picture is in the dictionary under the word family. Your parents have been married for over forty years—happily. You and your siblings get together as couples and plan weekends. Not just once but several times a year. I mean, who else does that? And even though you complain about Chris taking too long to propose to you, the one thing you can’t deny is that that man loves you. Me? It’s always been Mom and me. Especially when she got sick. Now that she’s gone. Now that my mother is gone. There’s just me.”
“Lee, I’m sorry you lost your mother, and I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent. But I do know Ms. Evelyn would not want you to spend the rest of your life looking back when everything she did was for your future. You’re still here, and you’re not alone. Anyway, that’s why I called you. I’m coming over to see you.” Pepper says.
“I appreciate that, but I am really busy. I have some things that I’m working on today and a few places that I need to follow up with. And there are errands-yeah. Errands that I need to see about. So, you see, I have a lot going on and…”, I start explaining.
“Too late. I’m already in town. I’ll be at your house in two minutes.”, she says.
“Wait, what? You’re joking, right? Hello? Hello? Pepper? Pepper, are you there?” I say, but reasoning that there’s no way she is in town, let alone at my house in a matter of moments.
The doorbell rings, and in near disbelief, I walk over to my door to see who it is, but also knowing who it is.
“Lee! Hi, best friend!”
“Hey, what are you doing here? When you said you were coming over, I thought you meant you wanted to plan a trip or something. Washington is not exactly next door to Virginia. Why are you here?”
“Natalee, for you, sweetheart. That’s what best friends and family members do for one another. We show up for each other. Look, I tried to give you the space you asked for, and I tried to do things your way. But now it’s time to do things my way.” Peppermint says.
“Your way? Look, this is my life , and if I want to lie in bed for another six months, it’ll be too little because I haven’t slept for the last twenty years! You know I’m a borderline insomniac.” I respond still in confusion but now also a rising indignation in defense of my choice to transition to a life of more leisure and leisure said with an accent.
“Seriously, I came all this way to spend time with my bestie. If that means another day of sleeping in, then make me a spot. But let me tell you the other reason that I’m here. Do you remember Sofia? My friend from work I told you about?”
“Um the girl who’s getting married.”
“Yes, well. She still is, and it is happening this weekend in Kindle Creek. Even though her family is from Lakeland just over the state line, they had a connection to Candle Inn—you know, by the river. Remember she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Well, I don’t want to go to the wedding by myself, and so I thought maybe you could come with me.”
“Kindle Creek! Home, Pepper? That’s a lot. We’re several hundred miles away. That’s not a trip you just pick up and drive to. I mean, I’d have to pack. I’d have to cancel my appointments.”, I recount almost hurriedly as I continue down the list of things that would need to be done.
“Appointments? When was the last time you accepted a counseling case from one of your celeb referrals?”, Peppermint asks.
“Hey, I don’t just work with celebrities. However, since you mentioned it, I need to be available in the event someone needs me to pack up and do a couple’s counseling intensive on location. I mean, you’re just now telling me? I have things to do. I can’t just show up at a wedding last minute. I have nothing to wear. My hair is a mess and most importantly, I don’t want to go.”
“Natalee, please, please, please. I know it’s last-minute, but if I told you ahead of time, you wouldn’t go. And if I told you I was coming to town to swoop you up, you would have made up some excuse about how you’re so busy running errands or something like organizing your laundry. We’ll go get your hair done and pick up an outfit today.” Peppermint says as she tugs at my arm, motioning me to get up from the couch.
“Anyway, I feel like you have been avoiding me, and I miss my friend. We haven’t hung out in so long. And you’ve gone through so much this year, I just thought if I surprised you, you couldn’t possibly say no. Just one weekend of fun, babe, and I promise next time you can choose whatever baskets in your house need organizing, and I’ll be your right-hand lady. Just kidding, but seriously, say yes, Lee. Look, I know you haven’t been back home since your mom passed, but I’ll be right next to you. It’ll be good to see everyone. Yes?”
“No. But for you, yes. But only for the weekend, then I’m taking the first flight back home.”, I say, relenting.
“Yes! Of course, ladybug. I’ve got to fly out in a couple of days, too. Some of us are still on a tight leash at work. I need my vacation time so I can be ready for Chris whenever he pops the question.”
“How could I forget? Forever proposal ready.”
“Exactly! And don’t forget again. Speaking of getting ready, where can I unpack? I checked into the hotel on Crawford Street yesterday so I could surprise you, but checkout is at noon, so since we’re going back home together, we might as well be roomies like the old days. I’ll be back at one o’clock to pick you up for your hair appointment. Wear something super cute. You never know who you might meet.”
“I’ll wear something cute because I still have a reputation, and cute is all I know how to do—ha –ha.
“ There’s the girl I know. OK, love you. See you soon. Bye!
“Bye, Pepper,” I say as I watch her close the door behind.
Who am I kidding? I haven’t put on anything nice in a long time. I don’t like going out the way I used to. It’s not that these clothes don’t fit, it’s just that they don’t fit me, who I am. Hell, my life doesn’t seem to fit the way it used to anymore.
I’m different now. I look the same on the outside. I’m still five foot six. Long curly brown hair. Brown eyes. Size six with toasted coconut skin and a dimple on my right cheek that you can only see when I smile really wide, like it was squeezed out. At least, that’s what my dating profile says.
All the appointments, schedule changes, errands, last-minute projects, conferences, networking events, and caregiving have left the fabric of my life in the wrong size, and now I’m sitting here trying to figure out a dress when I can’t even figure out my life at the moment.
I should call Pepper now and tell her I can’t make it, but I won’t because she’s right. I have been avoiding her—and everyone else, for that matter. I only sneak into my life when it feels safe, and I think no one will see me. If someone sees me, I will have to smile and conjure up the twinkle around my eyes now buried deep behind the memory of my mother’s passing. I would have to say I’m doing well when the thought of having to pretend everything is fine already reminds me more of everything that isn’t.
I would tell of all the wonderful things I am doing in my career and the places I get to travel. I’d share stories like the time I had a client from a huge Fortune 500 company request that I meet him and his wife for a marriage intensive in the Bahamas. He and his wife had been married for twenty-three years and had two children. He was a high-level executive at the company and wanted to hire me for a week of long-form marriage counseling while abroad. These types of requests were my absolute favorite as I could combine travel for work and recreation at the same time. I would work the first four hours of the day and have the remaining afternoon and evening for myself, excluding on-call questions. The hours were labor-intensive as I would help the pair, begin the process of exploring what led to the juncture of their relationship, and excavate the underlying ingredients of what would be key to their journey of reconciliation. Of course, everything couldn’t be fixed in one week, but I must admit I would be in awe at how quickly the trajectory of a relationship would change when both partners could begin to see that there was, in fact, hope. You could tell when it was happening when the words being said sounded like “I never knew you felt that way” or “I understand now why you…” When I would begin to hear these statements of clarity with empathy, I knew they were on the hook for healing and had the makings of an arduous but more certainly transformational story to share with each other and for the generations ahead.
Now I can’t imagine having these kinds of conversations that bring up such depth of emotions. Hearing about sadness, loneliness, and the fears of someone’s deepest inner emotional world is the last thing I can imagine sitting with right now. It’s not that I don’t care about the couples I work with or the immense fulfillment I felt in being able to help repair a marriage, a family, and maybe, in my small way, society. It’s a noble job.
Instead, it’s because I’m liable to fall apart in session myself. The arguing, suspicion, anger, and bitterness that you must get through to get to all the beautiful tears is more than I can handle right now. I just don’t think I have it in me anymore.
As much as I don’t want to admit that the thing that I have loved for so long, love, no longer has its luster. It looks pale. Hold it in the light, its brilliance gone and flat. When I could see the light in the middle of a moving counseling session, I knew it was a glimmer of love, and we could follow its brightness on the path to mending a marriage. Now I know for sure that love is not enough. Love has its end. Maybe not the emotions, but their tangible fruits are but for a season. You can love a partner with everything in you, and they can betray your trust. You can work hard for your dream job and reach its highest success, then one day you find out the company is downsizing. You can love someone through the most challenging test of life as deeply as if you are donating parts of yourself to extend theirs, and even in your most valiant, fervent efforts, know that love is not enough to save. Like a child who still hopes against hope that daddy will come back home and everything will be OK, at last, you turn out the lights and go to bed.
